passive aggressive tendencies

I like to consider myself and avid recreational sociologist. In lay men's terms, I like to people watch and breakdown what I see. Many times I can find extensive pleasure while sitting in an airport terminal. As each individual walks by I, my instincts take over, and my mind begins to conjure this person's story. I don't focus as much on where they are coming from or headed to, but rather their characteristics. Are they cocky, demure, outgoing, a pacifist or my future wife or sister-in-law.

It is a fun little game, and it can become even more interesting when the person stays in your eyeline for extended periods of time. Having more minutes to watch them in their ways gives you the chance to test your theories and speculations.

Well, that is the sort of sociological evaluating I do in recreational settings. Being a person with quite prominent ADHD, my mind is constantly seeking new stimulation and occupation. That being said, I can't help but ponder the causal mechanisms behind each word, tick and movement my senses are able to catch. I find my senses especially heightened while at work, and especially so when in negotiations with representatives of other companies.

It is the job of both parties involved in the negotiation to reach and end result that is beneficial in both the long and short run (ideally). I have become more and more aware, through my repetitive observation and analysis, that ego can frequently block ideal success. The potential to acquire power and leverage in a given situation, as miniscule as it may be, can leave many mouths watering.

To deny that I have fallen victim to such trivial acquisitions of power on a number of occasions would be an outright lie. But, I do have the ability to say that such desires have not brought me to dishonesty for personal pleasure. Many times the lies that have been thrown my way were given for no other reason that to make me look foolish. There was no profit to be made, now leverage to be gained, and certainly no benefit to the relationship to be had. It was nothing more than sheer passive aggressive behavior. Use of control for control's sake.

What sparks repetitive passive-aggressiveness?? Were these all the fat kids in school?? Were these all social outcasts?? Are they still social outcasts?? Is it their position at work, their position in the marriage??

There are endless possibilities of what is responsible. Regardless, I think binding factor for any of the things that is actually responsible is self-esteem. These people lack enough perceived personal value to feel adequate with themselves. They need small victories in insignificant situations, even if they come at the expense of the respect of others. I certainly know that I lose more and more respect with each instance where passive aggressive behavior is utilized. Honesty is one of my most cherished traits, in myself and in others. And whether you a person explicitly lies in their passive aggressive act, the acts themselves are based upon false pretenses, and therefore inherently dishonest.

Be forthright. Who really wants a passive aggressive jackass as a friend??

the first time is not always of greatest consequence

One of the most common rhetorical phrases regarding relationships and people is "first impressions are the most important." Upon further examination, I beg to differ with this conclusion on multiple levels: people are not typically that shallow, are memories are too short and seldom do our notions of anything remain fixed (be they people or places or bed sheets).

The phrase has persisted more as a mechanism to keep people in close awareness of their behavior, regardless if that behavior is actually of such great consequence. The phrase is absolutely good to keep in mind for interviews, and when requesting money or support of strangers. However, the need for such pressure to be placed on one's self when meeting strangers is illogical and plain stressful.

We meet new people quite regularly. More times than not, these people have either had a brief opportunity to observe us prior to the verbal introduction, or have been advised by mutual friends about our basic characteristics. The greater point being, we seldom go in blind. Even if no preparations have been made, our affiliation with the introducer allows for a small level of insight into this "new" person's qualities. Quite frankly, our friends would not be introducing us on their behalf if they didn't personally approve of the person, or think that the two parties could be agreeable.

A second point that can be drawn to tarnish the validity of the "first impression" myth is the natural process of building relationships. People usually meet on multiple occasions before they conclude whether or not a person is considered a friend. Placing someone in the friend category is not (or should not) be a quick trigger pull. We have to evaluate these people on multiple levels. Hear their views on specific topics of personal importance (religion, politics, education, music, movies, etc.).

These things are important on varying levels to every individual. However, the likelihood of all of the litmus test information being divulged in the first meeting is less than slim. It sometimes take me two to three dates to decide whether or not to kiss a girl. And, my standards for friendship are even higher. I don't try to get a person through the evaluation process in a single "go," because the process should not be rushed. Quickdraw conclusions, such as those acquired during first impressions, only lead to misinterpretation.

The final and most ironic aspect is that by putting on a front for a first meeting, will only provide a person with false pretenses under which to make quick conclusions about you. It is true that to put on a best face is good, because a person can conclude whether they see potential for future encounters, but facades, by definition, attempts to cloak or alter the raw truth. Do we really want to begin a relationship because of our interpretation of misleading information.

The shoot off of the facade issue, is that it is not feasible for us to believe that we can keep up the charade for the extent of the relationship, nor will we have the energy to do so. Not to mention the mental acuity required to keep up such a role playing game does not allow for much slacking off. Intimate relationships that fail after that two or three month honeymoon period are perfect examples of the imminent failure of a facade. When the guard is let down and the truth comes out, you feel like you are dating a stranger with a familiar face and voice.

Be honest and forthcoming. Ask as many questions as you can. But above all, be real. Most people do have pretty good bull-shit detectors, and some have amazing ones. In the end, it is the people who know us best that can provide us with that council and support we need in rough times. Unless are best pals know us to the core, they are of no help.

First impressions are mostly bull-shit. The close encounters of a third and fourth kind are the ones that "seal the deal." ;)