the first time is not always of greatest consequence

One of the most common rhetorical phrases regarding relationships and people is "first impressions are the most important." Upon further examination, I beg to differ with this conclusion on multiple levels: people are not typically that shallow, are memories are too short and seldom do our notions of anything remain fixed (be they people or places or bed sheets).

The phrase has persisted more as a mechanism to keep people in close awareness of their behavior, regardless if that behavior is actually of such great consequence. The phrase is absolutely good to keep in mind for interviews, and when requesting money or support of strangers. However, the need for such pressure to be placed on one's self when meeting strangers is illogical and plain stressful.

We meet new people quite regularly. More times than not, these people have either had a brief opportunity to observe us prior to the verbal introduction, or have been advised by mutual friends about our basic characteristics. The greater point being, we seldom go in blind. Even if no preparations have been made, our affiliation with the introducer allows for a small level of insight into this "new" person's qualities. Quite frankly, our friends would not be introducing us on their behalf if they didn't personally approve of the person, or think that the two parties could be agreeable.

A second point that can be drawn to tarnish the validity of the "first impression" myth is the natural process of building relationships. People usually meet on multiple occasions before they conclude whether or not a person is considered a friend. Placing someone in the friend category is not (or should not) be a quick trigger pull. We have to evaluate these people on multiple levels. Hear their views on specific topics of personal importance (religion, politics, education, music, movies, etc.).

These things are important on varying levels to every individual. However, the likelihood of all of the litmus test information being divulged in the first meeting is less than slim. It sometimes take me two to three dates to decide whether or not to kiss a girl. And, my standards for friendship are even higher. I don't try to get a person through the evaluation process in a single "go," because the process should not be rushed. Quickdraw conclusions, such as those acquired during first impressions, only lead to misinterpretation.

The final and most ironic aspect is that by putting on a front for a first meeting, will only provide a person with false pretenses under which to make quick conclusions about you. It is true that to put on a best face is good, because a person can conclude whether they see potential for future encounters, but facades, by definition, attempts to cloak or alter the raw truth. Do we really want to begin a relationship because of our interpretation of misleading information.

The shoot off of the facade issue, is that it is not feasible for us to believe that we can keep up the charade for the extent of the relationship, nor will we have the energy to do so. Not to mention the mental acuity required to keep up such a role playing game does not allow for much slacking off. Intimate relationships that fail after that two or three month honeymoon period are perfect examples of the imminent failure of a facade. When the guard is let down and the truth comes out, you feel like you are dating a stranger with a familiar face and voice.

Be honest and forthcoming. Ask as many questions as you can. But above all, be real. Most people do have pretty good bull-shit detectors, and some have amazing ones. In the end, it is the people who know us best that can provide us with that council and support we need in rough times. Unless are best pals know us to the core, they are of no help.

First impressions are mostly bull-shit. The close encounters of a third and fourth kind are the ones that "seal the deal." ;)

a time for...

So this is that time of the year when we reminisce about the fond and not so fond memories of the past 12 months. We meet with friends. We sit and talk. We say phrases and keywords that bring up inside jokes or our favorite movies. We, in the words of Dr. Dean Edell, "Eat, drink and be merry."

We crowd around to chime in the new year, some get a midnight kiss, and others don't. Some make it to the countdown...and unfortunately some don't. We remember friends lost, and cherish the friends gained. We feel it is a time for new beginnings...so many decide to forgive even if they decide not to forget. It is a time when we want to feel loved and and make others feel the loved.

But, the turn of the year is famously earmarked for our decision as a population to make promises. Typically they are promises to ourselves, but the occasional promises are for loved one. These resolutions as we call them are all to commonly far fetched. We make plans to lose 25 pounds, or be happier, or some other vague or unlikely-to-be-carried-out item. I can't say there has been a year in which I can recall what my resolution had been. Sometimes it can be mere months when we have forgotten our sacred personal promise.

So this year I have decided to adopt a tactic to prevent this. I am going to make a resolution to only make personal promises I know that I will keep. I don't want another year to go by with regrets. Your biggest regrets come from letting yourself down. Don't tried to avoid failure, but don't commit to it. Make the promises you know you can keep with the right work ethic.

Presently I don't have any resolution for myself. It has been a good year. I am only short on income, not friends or happiness. I am sure things will accumulate that I want myself to achieve. I can not change my personality or my less desirable character traits. However, I can do more things for myself. Not the purchasing of clothes or music or going out. I can do things that will be beneficial to me mentally. I will not limit the prospect of my own happiness due to fear of failure or rejection.

Happy New Year, and make it stay that way.